New Year Musings
LIFE LATELY
Real talk—yesterday I stood outside my back door in a brief burst of spring-like sunlight, soaking it in like a sad, malnourished plant.
And it was glorious.
But then the Thoughts came:
Oh wow it’s so mild today, it feels like spring…but it’s January...that’s not good.
But wow what a lovely day. The sun feels so good after a few long weeks of gloom.
A ceasefire was finally announced. Too late for far, far too many, but it’s something, right? Right?
But TikTok is getting banned for ridiculous (fascist) reasons, and I was just starting to build something there.
Oh, and Tangerine Hitler is being sworn in, which feels like a cruel prank even in this fucked-up timeline.
But the sun is out. I can feel it on my face. I can hear birds singing.
That’s something, right?
Right?
If you’re feeling the same lately, come join me in a quick collective scream into the nearest pillow or soft thing you can reach.
Ready? Me too.
*SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*
Ok that felt good. Right?
There’s something I keep saying in therapy lately, and by lately, I mean every session over the last year or so, but it’s been true for even longer.
“It’s just all a lot.”
And it really is.
And look, hey, I’m a writer, I love words, I love finding the exact phrase or description to evoke all those inexpressible things that we all feel. But I can’t find any other way to sum up the relentless tide of everyday bullshit and unspeakable horror that we’re all constantly fighting back.
It feels like the wheels have been coming off of everything for a while, and we’ve all been trapped on this train watching the collision/explosion coming in slow motion, but we’re powerless to stop it. And now the train is wobbling on the tracks.
Because the tracks are melting.
Oh, and the train’s already on fire, anyway. So there’s that.
I just…it’s A LOT.
And yet we persist, alongside the horrors. What else can we do? What else have humans done but persist through all the long ages of our history on this earth? (Which really, isn’t that long in the grand cosmic scheme of things.)
I’m constantly reminded of that Nikita Gill quote:
“Everything is on fire, but everyone I love is doing beautiful things and trying to make life worth living, And I know I don’t have to believe in everything, but I believe in that.”
And I’m holding on to that in these dark, weird, limbo days of the deepest depths of January.
I can feel the sun on my face.
There are still (for now) birds singing in the trees.
In this exact moment, I am ok.
And I am writing again! Which is incandescently wonderful.
My friends are writing too, and creating and doing beautiful things, and maybe all these efforts are just a futile primal scream that will get lost in the chorus of other screams as our society collapses (and let’s be real—we do need a new way of living), but hey.
We’re creating something.
We’re trying while crying.
We’re doing our best, and that’s enough, for now.
Here’s another quote my brain just dredged up, trying to be helpful (it’s doing it’s best, ok?):
“Even when it all seems futile, some of us must never stop trying to bend the world toward beauty.”
WRITING LATELY
Speaking of Italian Renaissance painters, I am LIVING right now while I’m elbow deep in the first draft of Heist Book. It’s finally, actually happening, people.
This story has lived in my brain for so many years, but I was so agonized over getting ALL the plot details and twists ironed out before I started writing, that—guess what—I didn’t start writing.
Well, I did, back in early 2023, I think? (WHAT IS TIME?) But it was a false start in a way, because while it did feel good to begin, I ended up stalling because I did need to figure out more of the outline before I could proceed.
Then my focus shifted entirely to revising and querying Venice Book, which was another book of my heart.
Cut to the second half of 2024, and after starting and shelving an entirely different WIP (a scifi, which still has its grip on me, but it needs to wait its turn), my brain was suddenly ready to tackle Heist Book. And I started again.
And I realized that what I’d written before wasn’t bad, it just needed more of a foundation beneath it. I had to dig down into the characters more, and let them determine more of the plot.
My brain, thankfully, seized on it like a dog with a new toy, grateful to have something else to chew on, instead of ruminating on the before-mentioned relentless tide of everyday bullshit and unspeakable horror.
And finally, in December 2024, I hit that sweet spot of drafting where I built enough momentum to get excited about it again. My brain was doing that magical thing where it was unconsciously—and then consciously—piecing things together, and coming up with intriguing “what ifs” that I could chase.
I’ve also found a new rhythm of writing that seems to be working for me, at least with this WIP, and at this precise moment in time.
I’m shifting fully into freelance work this year, so I’m working on life admin and chores in the morning, freelancing in the afternoons, and my writing in the evenings, and boy howdy am I cranking out the words!
These bouts of hyperfocus, where I write from, say 5-11pm, are truly magical, and I am loving being lost in the storytelling sauce again.
BUT I know not everyone has these chunks of time like I do right now, and they’re only possible because my incredible partner is so supportive, AND I have so much encouragement from my wonderful CPs and alpha reader.
I also know that these hyperfocused sprints are not sustainable in the long-run.
I do seem to need a day in-between these hyperfocus days, where I can give my brain a rest, and it mulls over the next chapter, the next scene, and I’m ready to write again the next day.
But is this…a writing routine…that works for me?
That works with my brain?
I’ll take it, thanks very much.
I’m currently at *checks wordcount* 70,000ish words and holy shit I did NOT think I was that far yet.
I am desperately trying to curb my overwriting tendencies and keep this firmly on the thriller side of both pacing and length, so I’m going to do my darndest to keep it under 100k words for sure, 99k ideally, and 95k if I manage a miracle.
Wish me luck!
Here are the playlist vibes 👀
I’m not much for rollercoasters in real life, but this moment feels like that thrilling drop in your stomach when you’ve crested the hill, and momentum takes over, and you know that downhill rush is going to be SO MUCH FUN!
So here I go, hoping the hyperfocus can propel me to the finish line, and that I can do justice to this story that has haunted me for years now.
I’m putting so much of myself, my heart, my past, my traumas (lolsob), and my passions into it, and I hope it comes within even a ballpark of what I always hoped it might be.
I hope you find yourself on your own creative rollercoaster soon (the good kind), and you feel that spark of magic again, that rush of momentum and all-consuming joy in whatever it is that gets your brain firing on all cylinders.
There is magic in creating, in storytelling, and the world will need us more than ever now.
Please, PLEASE keep masking to avoid the quad-demic happening out there right now, and while you’re at it, never stop trying to bend the world toward beauty.
Stay tuned for more fun Heist Book hijinks across my socials! It also would mean the world if you could share and boost wherever you can.
Thanks, as always, for reading.